ReEncoded By Dr.XJ | PSA www.PSArips.com
(Actor doing vocal warm-up exercises)
'Wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-why.
'Ca-ca-ca-ca-ca. Pa-pa-pa-pa-pa.
'Sa-sa-sa-sa-sa-sa. Fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa.
'La-la-la-la-la-la. Pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa.
'Ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca. Bastard, brrrrr!
'Brian, bra... Bastard.'
(Clears throat)
'Roo, hmm.
'I saw Susie sitting in a shoe-shine shop.
'Barbara, bastard.
'Lemon's Lennon liniment.'
No. Lennon's lemon liniment.
- A touch more powder, Mr Thorncroft. - OK.
There he is.
- OK, Clive, let's do this. - Hey, Richie.
I'm just prepping for the stunt later on, OK?
So, Pat, she's gonna faint.
OK? And then you pull her up like this.
- Keep this very strong. - Yeah.
Pelvis close and go for the kiss. Watch this.
Clive, OK, I have read the script.
Something like this?
- I've got you. - You've got me all right.
(Wolf-whistling and cheering)
Save it for the take, baby.
- Plenty more where that came from. - That was OK.
But don't open your mouth when you kiss,
because it spreads germs all around the set.
- When you're acting, purse your lips... - Clive, Clive!
We weren't acting.
- I was acting. - What?
Ooh, hoo, hoo! Hello!
POW!
This little firecracker is the real star of Mindhorn.
- Maybe I could get more lines next time. - That's a good one!
- That's your handbrake there. - OK, walk away, Clive.
Ready to shoot.
Shoes, Clive!
(Clive) Shoes coming in. Shoes are safe.
Shoes going on.
Shoes on.
OK, let's go.
(Director) OK, guys, first positions.
- You know I love you. - (Director) Turn over.
- I love you too, honey. - (Sound guy) Sound running.
- Truth time. - Action!
(Narrator) 'In 1983, Special Agent Bruce P Mindhorn was captured
'during a secret operation on the Siberian border.
'Communist doctors performed experimental cybernetic surgery upon him.
'They removed his eye and replaced it with a super-advanced optical lie detector
'which meant he could literally see the truth.
'He escaped Russia and returned home to the Isle of Man.
'Bruce Mindhorn became the best plain-clothes detective
'the Isle of Man had ever seen.
'In a world of lies, one man has had enough.
'You can't hide the truth from Mindhorn.'
(TV presenter) 'Richard Thorncroft is an actor on the crest of a wave.'
'Richard, he's strong and sprints like a panther.'
'Acting is 95% physicality.
'That's why I practice Capoeira.'
(Presenter) 'Here we see Richard demonstrating the Ginga
'that gives him flexibility as an actor.'
Your mouth's saying no, but your brain's saying yes.
(Presenter) 'In real life, Richard's eye has fallen on part-time actress
'and full-time lovely, Patricia Deville.'
(Pat) 'Richard and I are a wonderful team,
'both at work and hopefully in life forever.'
(Presenter) 'Such is the success of Mindhorn,
'it's rumored that Windjammer played by Peter Easterman
'may even get his own show.'
'Er, no, I can't envisage any kind of spin-off.'
(Presenter) 'Spin-offs or not, Richard's star is burning bright
'thanks to publicity genius Jeffrey Moncrief.'
'We work hard on Mindhorn, but we play hard too.
'Sometimes too hard. Hello, rehab!'
(Presenter) 'To stay at the top, you need to be remarkable on screen and off,
'and Richard certainly knows how to play that game.'
The Isle of Man is a (bleep) hole.
What?
Peter Easterman is not a great actor.
But when he is acting, at least he stands there and does stuff.
(Presenter) 'Whether Richard's winning awards for acting
'or courting controversy on top-rated chat shows
'it seems nothing can stop him heading all the way to the top.'
'I'm going to Hollywood. Bye.'
(Newsreaders) 'Police in the Isle of Man say they have discovered
'the body of a young woman washed up on Douglas Beach.'
'Police are treating Katya Lipinskii's death as murder.'
(Siren wailing)
'Police confirm they have received phone calls from the suspect,
'but have refused to divulge the content.'
(Phone rings)
(Ringing continues)
It's Plasticine.
It's here.
- Hello. - (Man) 'I've told you before.
'There's only one person I will speak to: Detective Mindhorn.'
- Melly? - 'My name is the Kestrel.'
- ('Squawking') ' Sorry, Sorry, sorry.
- The Kestrel. - 'Thank you.
'I'll call the police station tomorrow at 4:00pm.
'If I'm not talking to Detective Mindhorn in person,
'more people are going to die.
'Signing off.' (Squawking)
(Screams)
- Chief? - Oh, great.
Our chief suspect wants to talk to a fictional fucking detective.
Mindhorn! It was fucking shite an' all.
'Heard of haemotracteathosis?'
'I think it was on the menu at my local Indian restaurant last night.'
(Both laugh)
'Bruce, let me help you with this case.'
'I told you before, I work alone.'
What are we going to do, Chief?
(Chief) We got 24 hours to produce a convincing Detective Mindhorn.
We're going to have to bring the actor over to take the call.
- Let's think about this. - Green's right.
Believe me, I wish that he wasn't.
Get me Mindhorn.
(Doll) 'It's truth time.'
(Richard) Baboons. Baboons bring bliss.
The Benedict Cumberbatch backlash has begun.
You are exactly where you need to be.
You are a powerful tiger.
Let's do this! (Warming up vocal chords)
- Bugger, bugger. - (Man) Oi, keep it down, will you?
- Sorry. - What are you doing in there?
(Banging on door)
(Humming)
I You can't handcuff the wind
Ah, hello, lovely. Here for the casting. Richard Thorncroft.
Oh, great. Mr Branagh's nearly ready for you, Richard...
- Crovvthorne? - Thorncroft.
The B-Man! Kenny B!
(Chuckling)
Bloody good to see you!
Let's crack this baby open.
Hi. Richard Crovvthorne, 11 o'clock.
Oh.
Right.
(Jamaican accent) I speak the truth!
I am afeared of no man.
I am afeared of no creature.
I am my own man.
I am Clifton of Port Antonio.
Do you feel me?
Yeah, that's incredible. That's literally incredible.
(Clears throat) Thank you.
You're welcome, really.
I don't know what to say, but thank you.
I want to try something.
I'd like to do it again, but this time with a brogue.
No, I think we're good. We've got everything.
I've seen everything I could possibly want.
- Are you sure? - Oh, yeah.
Well, acting aside, it's been great to catch up.
Kenny B! This guy was one crazy hombre back in the day.
- Remember that hotel in Maidstone? - Oh, who can forget that?
We did a tour of the Medway Basin, and this fella...
Well, they'll have to repaper that hotel room.
I love what you're doing these days. Ken, I admire your balls.
OK. The B-Man!
- All righty. - The Killer B!
The Bran Flake!
- Who was that? - Not a fucking clue.
Hey, brother.
You got my details? Lovely.
(PA) 'Sorry, Sarah. Front desk say Richard Thorncroft is here.'
Oh, Christ. I'm with Simon. Tell him to wait outside.
Ah, Richard, darling. How are you?
(PA) 'It's too late. I couldn't stop him.'
How am I? Let me think. I haven't had an audition in 18 months.
And you put me up for a schizophrenic yardie.
- Sounds like a good part to me. - If you're a 60-year-old Jamaican man.
I'm so sorry, Simon. I didn't realise it was you.
Big fan, big fan. Caught your Equus in Chichester.
- Powerful piece of work. - Great, thank you.
And you were fantastic in, um...
Oh, God, my memory's gone these days.
- Anyway, you were fantastic. - Thank you.
Sorry about the cock-up. New assistant.
How can you mix me up with Crovvthorne? Do I not exist anymore?
- No one seems to know who I am. - Me and the Branster go way back.
- I don't suppose you could... - Simon sweetie...
Could you just give us a few moments?
- I could have this salad. - Come back, two minutes.
- What the hell's going on? - You're going through a transitional phase.
You said that five years ago, Sarah.
I mean, you're moving from young, handsome hero
to older, still very handsome...
What about my autobiography? Are there any takers, any bites?
'It's a quiet time for actors' autobiographies.'
It's not very quiet for Peter Easterman.
No, I don't think so. Volume three?
What's this one called? "What I Did Yesterday"? Ha!
Windjammer's on its 16th season.
'He's built a franchise.
'He's even got his own range of weatherproof clothing.'
I did not get into this business to sell kagoules.
- Well, you've got to sell something. - Sell this, hmm?
This is a map of human emotion. Sell it!
Nobody can. You haven't got profile.
That's why you made me do the Thrombi-Sox ads.
To give me profile. Thank God for Thrombi-Sox.
And that is not a sentence I thought I'd ever utter.
About Thrombi-Sox...
- What? - They've gone in a different direction.
'John fucking Nettle?'
'You told the director he was an embryo.'
'Well, he's about 12.'
Sit down and calm down. Come on.
All is not lost. I had a very interesting offer for you.
- An offer? - From the police.
- What do you mean? - They want you to talk to a suspect...
See if you can lure him into custody.
What, so this is a voiceover or something?
Yeah, a bit like a voiceover.
- 'He thinks Mindhorn is a real detective.' - 'What?'
Mindhorn! That was it.
You were wonderful. That was your Amadeus.
Well, I mean, Amadeus was my Amadeus.
'Fuck off, Callow! This is a private conversation with my agent!'
Just calm down and sit down.
- I don't want to sit down. - Then stand up, but calm down.
I'll sit down.
Sit down, then.
OK, so let's focus on this Mindhorn thing.
- I was bloody good in Mindhorn. - You'll be even better now.
You've matured like a fine wine.
- A man could get drunk on that wine. - Great.
So go to the Isle of Man, take the call...
- Sorry, where? - The Isle of Man.
This isn't going to work for me. I do not go backwards in my career.
- I move ever forwards... - (Both) Like a shark.
Yes, but maybe going backwards is the new going forwards.
Why don't you hook up with the old gang?
Jeffrey Moncrief has got his own PR firm now.
Jeffrey Moncrief? He went off the rails, I'm afraid.
Looks kosher to me.
You need all the publicity you can get from this.
What about Pat Deville, your old flame?
Works for Manx TV now. Profile, Richard.
(Sarah) 'Imagine: TV cop helps real cop solve crime.
'It's PR gold. You'd be a hero!
'Do the interviews, get in the papers, remind people who you are,
'and bang, you're back on the map.
'Just play Mindhorn one last time.'
Profile!
(Phone rings)
'Isle of Man Constabulary.'
- I'm in. - 'Sorry, who is this?'
(Ship's horn blasts)
(Jeff) 'Hello. Moncrief Public Relations International Limited.'
- Jeff! - 'Richie! Are you here?'
Yep, I'm here. Two o'clock ferry, like we said.
- Where are you? - 'I'm working my butt off here for you.
'Why don't I see you at the police station once I finish up here at the office?'
OK, sounds good. What about the newspapers?
The Manx Express loves it.
They're sending a photographer to get some shots of you doing the call.
Now, we've got to get to Pat at Manx TV before she knocks off.
You know what? I think I might have time to squeeze that in before the gig.
I bet you have, you devil!
- (Chuckles) - 'Hey, come on!
She's not married and you're the thinking woman's crumpet!
Bye, Jeff.
Ahoy, there!
This is the old stomping ground, back in the old wild-oats-sowing days.
(PC Green) Yeah, there's very good soil here.
(Video) 'Welcome to the Isle of Man,
'isle of adventure, isle of romance... I'll have some of that!'
- Mr Thorncroft, DS Baines. - Enchanté. Call me Richard.
PC Green and I will be overseeing your stay here.
- Roger that. - We really appreciate this.
- I know you're a busy man. - I had to move things around.
But work is work. This is more important.
Let's save some lives.
- This us? - Yeah, yeah.
Thanks.
- You in? - Yeah, yeah, great.
(Green) Melly thought Mindhorn was real.
(Richard) Yeah, well, three years at RADA give a man some skills.
- Were you a fan of the show? - My mum liked it.
Ah, a woman of taste.
- Is she single? - She's dead.
We'll give you a knock in 20 minutes.
- Lovely. - Stay in the room for your safety.
Sure thing, big QUY-
- You gonna be there the whole time? - That's right.
Good, really good news.
I'm gonna be doing some meditating, so...
- Do you meditate? - No.
- Something to think about. - Thanks.
Sorry about your mum.
Shit!
I'm just meeting someone here.
- (Pat) She let you do that to her? - Not for the first time.
(Pat) Anyway, download that footage and get that sent over.
Yeah, it's an offer or nothing. Just the way I play it, Jeremy.
Bloody hell! I'll call you back.
Patricia Deville.
Don't tell me.
- Sorry, it's gone. - You're joking?
We did live together for over two and a half years.
We certainly did.
What are you doing here?
Oh, you know, work, meetings. Busy, busy. You know how it is.
- What are you doing here? - I'm a journalist now. I work here.
Get out of town!
That's amazing. Actually, I might just have something for you.
Is it weed killer?
- Hmm? - You left our house to get weed killer...
...24 years ago. I haven't seen you since.
- I see what you're doing. - The weeds are really out of control now.
- I explained my departure in the letters. - The letters?
Yeah, the letters that you failed to respond to.
- Let's not do this. - Let's not even go there.
I'm only here for a couple of days and I'm about to launch something big.
- I was thinking... - You want to use me for publicity, right?
You need some profile. ls that it?
Way off, Pat. I can't talk about the details right now.
Let's just say, it's an interesting little acting job.
Right. I thought maybe you'd given up acting.
Obviously didn't catch me in Midsummer Murders.
That's what made me think you'd given up.
Pow! Ooh, you got me.
Look at this. Laughin' and a-jokin' like old times.
Got to run.
You'd be foolish to walk away from what I'm about to plonk down on the table.
I'm a serious journalist now.
Maybe catching the psychotic killer, Paul Melly,
isn't a serious enough story for you.
There's a press gag on that case. How do you know about it?
Why don't we grab a bite and I'll give you the full exposé?
- You mean exclusive. - Whatever you say.
- Let's talk later. - Let's do that.
Still got it. Ha-ha!
Shit!
- Where is he? - He said he was meditating.
Went pretty deep, threw in a bit of Capoeira.
Right.
Let's nail this mother!
Sorry.
The suspect's name is Paul Melly,
and he might be using the island's extensive mine system to evade capture.
Mine system? Clever bugger.
Do you recognise him, Richard?
Oh, my God. It's my agent.
Only joking!
Could I get an Americana with hot milk?
Tragically, the boy's parents were killed in a car crash when he was nine.
And when he was informed, he was watching Mindhorn,
so he has developed a sort of morbid obsession with the show.
Could've been worse, could've been Windjammer.
Yeah, well, he is calling in 15 minutes, Richard,
and... he's calling himself the Kestrel.
Now, he might make some sort of kestrel noises.
Kestrel noises, good.
Look, I've got friends coming. Can I put a list on reception?
- A list at reception? - Yeah, Jeffrey Moncrief plus one.
(Green) This is Chief Inspector Newson.
Ah, the head honcho. El honcherino. The Big Cheese.
- You look familiar. Did we golf? - No.
I wanted to talk to you about the press conference.
We could co-host, but I'm camera trained.
Sometimes, police can come across as weird and sweaty-looking.
Mr Thorncroft, you are aware of the seriousness of the situation?
Big time. Yes, indeed. We'll hash out the details later.
- Is there a dressing room? - You know how phones work, right?
- Do you know how acting works? - I'm not interested.
We all have our process.
Sometimes an item of clothing or footwear can define a character.
You have your costume, I have mine.
This isn't a costume.
This is an officially sanctioned uniform denoting rank and civic responsibility.
It's still a kind of costume. You put it on to play the Chief.
Then later on, you take it off when you go home to your wife.
Or maybe you don't.
- All the world's a stage. - No, it isn't.
A young woman has been murdered.
We're trying to catch her killer before he does it again.
- OK. - Do you want to get changed in here?
What's wrong with him? Lost his truncheon?
Jeff, the cops are being a bit bloody stingy with their door policy.
Ah, bastards!
We'll have to get the photographer to take the photos outside, looking in.
I'm on the first floor. I'll favour the north side.
'North windows. Got it.'
- 'Are you nearly here?' - I'm running a tad late, Richie.
I had to tidy up the Glendale account.
Will you speed things up there, Barbara?
'It's great to be heading back to the big time with you, Richie.'
- 'Wish me luck.' - You are going to be great, Richie.
Tits and teeth, eh?
Hello, old friend.
(I Mindhorn theme)
- Richard. - Bainesy.
When Melly calls, stay in character at all times.
Don't worry. When I go in, I go deep.
Ah, the old two-way mirrors. I love these things.
OK, here's a list of prompts. Just stick to script.
And avoid any of these trigger words.
"Insane, nut job, mental." Blah, blah, blah, usual stuff.
- This the phone? - That is the phone.
- Great. - Yeah.
Yeah.
It's going to be OK.
If you could just keep it in the cradle.
Just connecting with the props.
So, when he calls, keep him on the line, keep him talking,
arrange to meet and we'll take it from there.
Here you go, Richard. I couldn't find any Manuka honey.
- Oh m Two teabags, though? - Yeah, like you said.
Good. A little tip I picked up from Sean Bean.
Double-bag Bean, we called him. The Bean Bag!
(Phone rings)
This is it.
(Richard) Shoes going on.
Shoes on.
Yeah, whenever you're ready, Richard.
(Phone continues ringing)
Yep, whenever you're ready, Richard.
Oh, Jesus! Answer it.
- Fucking clown! - Mindhorn makes people wait.
And when they wait, they become angry and they become vulnerable,
and when they're vulnerable, they make mistakes.
- Yo, what's going down? - (Continuous beep)
Hello? Hello?
He's hung up.
You might want to try 1471.
(Phone rings again)
Yo, what's going down, Kestrel?
- 'Do you remember me?' - Course I do. What do you want, sir?
- 'I have something for you, Mindhorn.' - That's nice. ls it my birthday?
He's close, maybe in a phone box.
The only present I'm interested in is the truth.
And don't bother wrapping it, because I don't care for pretty packaging.
'How do I know this is really you?'
How do I know it's really you, Kestrel, and not some insane, mental nut job?
'Why would you say that? I'm the Kestrel!'
('Squawking')
- 'More people are going to die.' - We're all going to die. Get over it.
Some with a bang, some with a whimper,
some with a weird wasting disease.
(Melly laughs)
- 'Oh, it really is you.' - Gold star, Kestrel.
Now tell me something I don't already bloody know.
'You want to catch Katya's killer, don't you? Well, get this...
'What's that noise? ls there anyone else there?
Negative, sir. Mindhorn works alone.
Listen, big guy, why don't we grab some face-to-face time?
- Where are you calling from? - 'No, it's not safe.
'The piggies are listening. You know the quarry?'
- Of course I know. - 'Good. I'll meet you outside it.'
- See you there. - 'Come alone.'
- I always do. - Which quarry?
- No idea. Did you get a trace? - No.
What kind of an outfit is this? That is a rookie mistake.
HEY-
- You were meant to keep him on the line. - That's not the way the scene played out.
- There's a quarry at Vazon Edge. - That's where we did all our car chases.
That's where he'll be. Go get him, team.
- Prick! - Oh, dear.
Someone's not a happy bunny.
I remember now, it was his wife I used to play golf with,
if you catch my drift.
Hole in one. Didn't think he knew.
Er... Why did Melly say outside the quarry?
(Phone beeps)
Do you think "the quarry" meant something different on Mindhorn?
A quarry's a quarry. I wouldn't overthink these things.
Just going to go and drain the python.
Then we can have a natter about the press conference.
(Sirens wailing)
(Chief) 'ETA to Vazon Edge quarry: four minutes.'
All cars, the quarry is the police station. Melly is here. Over.
(Chief) 'Roger that. Diverting.'
Turn around. Do it now!
(Baines) What are you doing? (Chief) Move the fucking van, you prick!
Richard!
Thorncroffs gone. I repeat, I have lost eyes on Thorncroft.
Shit.
OK, you got the action shot through the window.
- Why don't we hit the park? - Good plan.
(Green) 'Thorncroft may be in danger. The suspect was outside the station.'
That'd be a great backdrop. I'll be here.
Obviously I'll pull this in on the day.
- Good to go. - Your face has fallen down.
- It's all baggy. - Yeah. Do you mind? We all age.
Use back light, soften the focus. I'm not going to tell you your job. Jesus!
- Jeff? - 'Richie, where are you?'
I'm with the photographer. He's a bit weird. Where are you?
'I'm with the photographer outside the station.'
You must have made quite an impression.
There's police running about like headless chickens.
(Squawking)
'Are you celebrating already? Richie?'
Clever Mindhorn.
It's time.
Time for the apocalypse of justice.
- Aargh! Ooh! - (Thud)
Mindhorn.
Please, no.
Look into my eyes.
- Can you see the truth? - Yeah.
Did you receive the evidence I sent to your house?
Yes, definitely.
You did? Then you know I'm innocent.
- Are you on the case? - Yes, sir.
(Screams)
- It's pretend, see? - Melly, step away from the actor.
- Stay down, Richard. - See you at the wheel, Mindhorn.
Shoot him! Shoot him in the head!
My next guest is a celebrated actor and now an award-winning writer.
Richard Thorncroft, welcome to the show.
Hello.
So you've finished your book, which is not only deeply entertaining,
it is also the first actor's autobiography to be nominated for a Booker Prize.
You've embarked on a production of Hamlet with Kenneth Branagh,
and become a hero by making this island safe for vulnerable women like myself.
- You're welcome. - Thank you.
Apparently, after the shock of the accident, your hair grew back.
Yes, it's a medical phenomenon known as follicle neogenesis.
'And conversely, when I heard about the accident,
'all my hair fell out.'
Thanks, Ken, but we're talking about Richard at the moment.
- 'Oh, I'm so sorry. Sorry, Rich.' - No probs, Ken.
'OK.'
- May I? - Fill your boots.
- Mm, that's it. - Oh.
Don't be afraid.
'With that audition, he changed the way that people think about making art.
'Politically, he's become very important.
'For me, there is no one else.
'It's, like, Mandela, Ben Kingsley, and then there is Richard.'
Richard...
I'm going to give you the best Manx Day you've ever had.
(Gasps)
'Of course, the parade is at the heart of Manx Day.
'Always has been, always will be...'
- Richie, baby! - Jeffrey Moncrief!
Good to see you!
Look at you! The years have treated you well.
- You too. - Ah, don't lie. I'm a fucking wreck.
- But who cares? You did it. - That's right.
They got him. You're a hero.
I don't think you can smoke in hospitals, Jeff.
- Since when? - Since the '50s.
Oh, right. How did it go with Pat?
Very well, actually. I think we might just be in there.
- I'll bet you are, eh? - Strictly business.
Oh, good, because when your heroics hit the front page,
you'll have minge coming out your arse.
Ah, lovely.
You remember these guys?
"Nutmeg, the druid detective."
"Moonshaft: he's blind, he's black and he's back."
They're out on DVD?
Ten grand apiece they got, and they were shite!
Mindhorn had a metal eye that could see the truth.
What did Nutmeg have? Some fucking joss sticks!
- This is interesting, Jeff. - Aye, and Pete thinks so too.
He even wants to release it through his production company.
- Pete Easterman? - The Windjammer himself.
This is a bad idea, Jeff. Pete and I have a history.
- Things have been said. - That's all water under the bridge.
Pete insisted you come to his country club this evening.
He wants to make it happen.
Mindhorn, series one to three on DVD.
How do you like those apples?
This is actually a bloody good idea.
I told you, eh? Lovely.
Seven o'clock, Jammer's club.
Lock up your pussy. The wolf pack is back on the prowl!
It's a hospital, Jeff. Keep it down a little bit.
Flange ahoy, Richie. Flange ahoy.
Yes, indeed.
(Pat on TV) 'More on that unfolding tragedy later.
'Why does the Manx cat have no tail?
'Some say they swam ashore during a shipwreck in the 16th century.
'Others say it's a genetic mutation...'
- Chekhov! - (Cat meows)
Chekhov!
(Phone rings)
- Hello. - 'Hello, you.'
- Hello, Richard. - 'Hello.'
So, you're still at the Heights.
Yes, that's a good guess.
So, I hear they caught Melly.
'Yeah, that lunatic won't be troubling the women of this island no more.
- Quite a story. - 'I like to think so.'
Richard Thorncroft does something for somebody else.
'Pow. I walked into that.'
- 'Where are you at the moment?' - Oh, I'm staying at the Grand.
That's where they've put me up, anyway, you know, for my sins.
It's nice, you know, a little suite. One of those little... suites.
Ooh, sorry, just slipped on a breakfast tray.
Ha! Bloody room service.
Yeah, I mean, who'd have thought
you and I would've ended up drifting like two lonely boats on the sea of life?
Just two boats who crossed once before
and are now crossing again on the return charter,
looking for that safe harbor, that magical other person.
That other person can be staring you in the face and you never even realise it.
Hey, Richie.
- Clive. - Wow!
- Wow, so good to see you! - It's so good to see you.
What are you doing in my garden, man?
- What are you doing in the garden? - I live here.
Yeah... What, in the garden?
No, silly. I live here with Pat.
We've been together for many years now, since you left.
- You know that, right? - Yeah.
- You're joking with me. - That's old news.
- Joke. - Oh, wow!
So, what are you doing in the garden?
Yeah.
Just coming to get some fan mail.
- I popped round to get it. - We get that from time to time.
- So I thought... - What's with the flowers?
I've got a funeral later to do.
- I guess you're at that age. - Yeah, sad.
- Anyone I know? - John Nettles.
John Nettles? Shit. I know John really well.
- Not that John Nettles, another one. - Oh, OK, that's a relief.
Come in. My God, come in!
- Pat's gonna love to see you. - Yeah...
- Everyone wants to see you. - That's very nice of you.
- Everyone? - Keys to the Range Rover, please.
Hey, Jasmine, look who it is.
It's Mindhorn.
I used to be his stuntman. Can you believe it?
Look at him now. Look at this.
- What is this here? - It's called living the high life.
Yeah? Too many biscuits.
- Ah, champagne, you know. - Too many Garibaldis.
- Steak and rich cheese. - At least he covers himself up.
- Can you put some trousers on? - She's joking.
She's very funny. She has her mother's tongue.
- Richard Thorncroft. - Yeah, look at him. There he is.
- I've heard a lot about you. - All of it good, I hope.
(Clive) Oh, watch out!
This guy, OK,
this guy used to make me tell everybody he did his own stunts.
- Well, I did a few. - No, no, you naughty liar.
- That's not lying. - You never did any.
- You naughty, naughty boy. - I did some.
- He couldn't even drive a car. - But now I have passed.
I'd love to stay and watch you two verbally sparring, but I have to go.
Mum, are you ready?
Hey, Pat, look what I found in the garden.
It's a Richard Thorncroft tree.
I cut him down and brought him in the house.
Richard, what are you doing here? You said you were at the Grand.
Oh, I can answer that. He's come for some fan mail.
You're getting your fan mail? Oh, I'm really touched.
There's some in the garage. I'll go and fetch it for you.
Oh, don't go getting back together.
I'm kidding. Look at him. He's so fat now. He's a mess.
(Richard) Oh, he's great.
Um...
Clive.
Clive, hm...
- You want to talk about Clive? - I don't, no.
I mean, obviously he's a great bloke. Lovely bloke, great choice.
Look, I think I might scoot.
- We should do that interview, though. - Sure.
Why don't you pop round to Manx TV tomorrow?
OK.
- See you tomorrow. - Wrong way.
Yeah.
(Clive) Hey, Richie.
I want to show you something. You're gonna like it.
- I've got to get to this funeral. - Oh, hey, look at this, huh?
- Memories, huh? - Yes, sir.
When I found her, she was on the scrap heap. Can you believe that?
She was pretty busted up. One careless owner.
But then I brought her here, fixed her up,
gave her the care and attention she needed,
and now she goes like a dream.
Take her out for a ride every single day.
And then I fixed up the car.
- I was talking about Pat. - Yeah.
- Not the car. - Mm-hm, got it.
- It was a double meaning and I was... - Very good.
- ...being funny. - Yes.
- But you didn't laugh. - No, I'll laugh later.
- That's OK. - Well, thank you for the joke.
Oh, no, no, no. Come and get your fan mail.
Yes, just through here. Come on.
- Yeah, step into my office. - OK.
I didn't realise the show was so popular. You get so many letters.
Yeah, over the years it's acquired a certain cachet.
There.
(G roans)
Phew! You want me to call a man with a van?
- Very witty. - Yeah.
- I did two jokes.
- One over there and one just now. - I see you're very proud of yourself.
- A little bit. - You know what you are?
You are my stuntman. That's all you'll ever be.
- That's my job, though, so... - What, to be my stand-in?
I stand in when people can't do things physically.
That's when they call me.
I'm at the top of my physical game.
Well, you're hiding it really well these clays.
Don't make me unleash the Ginga.
Ginga? You're going to play giant wooden blocks with me?
Ginga not Jenga. It's a Capoeira term.
It could get messy, sir.
Enjoy the fan mail. Don't read it all at once.
You forgot your flowers.
Oh, sweet.
Hey, baby, I got you some flowers.
Thanks.
You know, just to say good luck with the golf.
"It's time to get some pussy."
Well, it's been a while.
- Im going to play golf - l'll do some gardening
- Oh, it's nice. - Don't.
- (Jeff) Do you, er, fancy a toot? - I'm going to say no to that.
In public, especially.
I had to give that up due to adverse chemical reactions.
- Let's make some fucking deals! - Yes, let's do that.
Listen, I might take a lead in there, do the talking.
- You could perhaps hang back. - Me? I'm not going in.
- You're not? - No, I'm barred.
Oh, you didn't mention that either.
- It's a long story. - OK, Jeff.
- See you after. - See you later.
- Still got some stuff... - Oh, right.
(Receptionist) Hello, sir.
What a twat!
Richard Horncroft!
The Beastman.
Be careful, ladies. This guy is a real live wire.
Dangerous to know.
- Ooh!
Ah... So, where have you been hiding?
Inside a busy schedule.
- Really? - Mm.
- How am I looking? - You're looking good.
Yeah, I know.
A little click bird tells me you got an idea floating around in the old bonsai.
I certainly do.
The heat I'm about to generate from the police thing,
I think could be funneled through into a DVD release.
- That's where you come in. - That's a sweet angle.
So, what do you think? Are we in business on this?
I say, yeah, let's do it, let's sign.
All right.
Thanks, Coco.
Pete, I like the way you do business.
- We're heading back to the big time. - (Richard) There you are.
Before we seal this puppy,
is there anything else you want to run by me?
No. I think we're good to go, yeah?
I mean, nothing that you might have said, er...publicly?
You called me "a stinking ham" on Wogan,
"with the emotional range of a chair leg".
- Did I say that? - You've got brass balls, coming in here.
I'll give you that.
OK, look, I just wanted to come here
with an opportunity for you to get involved in.
In your pathetic career?
You've gone too far. I've got offers all over this island.
- I don't need to go to you. - I'm sure you're inundated
with requests for the greatest actor of his generation. Behold!
'When you're head of a busy multinational corporation,
'you don't have time to exercise.
'With Tumpers, the man girdle system for men,
'you don't have to waste time on your waistline.
'Tumpers Man Girdle tightens the waist,
'removing unsightly side, back and tummy bulge...'
- Yeah? Something funny? - You're finished.
You fucked off to Hollywood 25 years ago,
because some LA windbag said you were the next Burt Reynolds.
Yeah, you gambled and you lost. You lost at life.
- You're in a dream world. - I'm in a dream world?
That's funny, because this is a dream world.
You're living in a plastic palace. None of this is real. This is not real.
That's real, but this is not real!
It's full of sycophants and prostitutes.
(Crowd gasps)
You're a joke, Richard.
Pat never charged me.
That one was on the house.
Sorry, I was not aiming for you.
- Get Richard a skinny green. - Shove it up your arse!
(Man) Somebody call the police.
- Eh? - Get that cocaine.
(Richard) He's made one of the biggest mistakes of his career.
(Jeff) That's it, Richie. Get it down you!
I love you.
Do you remember this?
(Echoing) And, action!
(I Heavy metal)
'UP yours!'
This island is a shithole!
(Groaning)
That was a classic night, Jeff.
Can I get you an Alka-Seltzer?
Oh, shit.
If you ever set foot on this island again, you're going to jail.
- Is this about your wife? - What?
We've never forgotten what you said about the Isle of Man on Wogan.
You said that we had a limited gene pool.
Well, you do.
And you have nothing on me, because“.
You're joking, aren't you?
I could bang you up just for the vandalism alone.
Yes!
What vandalism?
On this side, we have a penis here. You can see the scrotum.
In Holland, we call this the acorn.
You've got breasts. A phallus, this time with sputum.
I don't know what this is.
- That's an anus. - No, I think it's a titty.
All right, Richard. You just wait here and I will get the car.
Oh, hey, Rich. Hey, settle an argument. What is this here? ls it an anus?
I don't know what that is. It's nothing to do with me.
You signed it, you moron.
- Well, I can speak English. - And now he's racist.
So, write this down: racist.
I nearly believed you for a minute.
Look, I came here to help the police and just things went a bit wrong.
You came back to get publicity from a murder.
- That's not why I came back. - Stop lying to yourself, Richard.
And you're not lying to yourself? Serious journalism?
Manx cats with no tails? Pat, you used to be an artist.
I was a piece of totty in a shit TV show.
Mindhorn was not a shit TV show.
Hey, Richie, you keep leaving things at the house,
your jacket, Pat, your dignity.
You think you've got it all. You think you've got it all sewn up.
What you've got is a domestic prison.
- Better than a real prison. - You've got your wife and daughter.
I've got freedom. I go with the wind.
- Jasmine isn't mine. - What?
Jasmine isn't mine. Pat never told you?
Pat didn't tell me what?
- (Chuckles) - What about Jasmine?
- (Baines) Richard. - (Horn beeps)
(Clive) Yeah, bye, Richard. Nice to see you.
- He's a very confused man. - Tell me about it.
- He didn't even know about Jasmine. - Your daughter?
She's not my daughter. I've had the snip.
No, she's Peter Easterman's daughter.
- You had the snip, Green? - No.
Something to think about.
(Richard) Well, we got our man. Hopefully that makes up for the graffiti.
- Maybe under different circumstances... - Yeah, thanks. Bye.
(Sarah) 'Richard, I think you're going through another transitional phase
'from unemployed actor to unemployable actor.
'I'm going to have to let you go.
'I've left your head shots in reception. When you collect them, don't come up.'
- Are you finished? - Hm?
- The newspaper. - Oh, yeah.
(Tannoy) 'Would foot passengers awaiting the 2:15 departure to Liverpool
'now kindly make their way to the ferry terminal?'
(Melly) 'Clue number one: the killer is a secret baldy.
'Clue number two: a videotape of the actual killing.'
'Breaking news at the Laxey Wheel.
'Suspected murderer, Paul Melly, has escaped and taken himself hostage.
'The public are warned not to approach Melly
'as he is both armed and dangerous.'
'Get me Mindhorn!'
(Jeff) Mindhorn's coming back.
- Jeff. - Hey, Richie.
- What happened to you? - Shut up and play this.
- Oh, right. - Melly sent it to me.
Well, he sent it to Mindhorn.
'Hi, Mindhorn. Kestrel here, reporting for duty.
'This is going to be an apocalypse of justice
'for the bald man who really did do the murder of Miss Lipinskii.
'He... he pushed her. Then he strangled her.'
(Katya screaming)
'Another man helped him with the body.'
Who is that?
'They didn't catch me, though, because I hid in the bushes.
'He had these posh shoes, posh shoes with cats on them.
'All right, see you soon, Mindhorn.'
Melly's innocent. He's innocent.
- Give me the tape. - Why? What are you going to do?
Take it to the Chief, shove it up his arse and press play.
No,no,no,no,no.
I got a better idea.
The man on this tape might pay some real money for this.
- What, blackmail? - Aye.
This is low, even for you, Jeff. Surely things aren't that bad.
Of course they fucking are.
Look at me. I live in a caravan.
- This is your office, Jeff. - I don't have a fucking office!
- What about your secretary? - That is my secretary!
25 years I've been here,
since you, you arsehole, walked out on me!
Comes a time in an actor's life
when he has to move away from the small screen.
I used to have money. I used to get your cast-offs.
I was like a pig in shite.
- Then you waltzed off to the big time. - I live in a flat in Walthamstow!
Oh, he lives in a flat.
Well, what about me? I want what is due to me.
I want a Bentley convertible. I want a trophy wife.
(Sobbing) I want a fucking infinity pool.
Jeff, it's OK. It's not as bad as you think, OK?
Things aren't that bad. There's a silver lining to every cloud.
No, you don't, you sneaky bastard.
Not this time. You owe me.
We need to take a step back here, Jeff.
A mentally fragile young man is calling for my help.
Yesterday you said he was a retard.
I've seen a few things since then. Maybe my eyes have been opened.
- What are you talking about? - I'm a father, Jeff.
- I've sired a daughter, with Pat. - What, Jasmine?
You idiot! She could have been anyone's,
the way Pat put it about after you left!
- (Groans) - You take that back.
- Aye, I'm sorry. - You take a long hard look at yourself.
I'm sorry, I'm not thinking straight.
- Give me the tape. - OK.
You're doing the right thing, Jeff.
(I Mindhorn theme)
Truth time.
(Narrator) 'Mindhorn, the best detective the Isle of Man had ever seen.'
Out of the way! Coming through!
Oh, God, no.
Jasmine.
I'm sorry.
What for?
Everything-
You know about me and your mother
- and who I am? - Yes, yes, sadly I do.
I want you to know I'm proud of you, Jas.
- Can I call you Jas? - No.
Jasmine, I want us to get to know each other really well.
- This is weird. - I know it's weird.
I want us to set up regular phone calls.
That's never going to happen.
OK, we'll go at your pace.
Watch the news. You're going to see your daddy blow the lid off this island.
(Jeff) 'So, to sum up, do we have a deal, then?'
- I don't take very kindly to blackmail. - 'All right, keep your wig on.'
OK, I'll see you there.
- So the simpleton was filming us? - Yeah, looks like it.
I'm starting to think framing Melly was a really bad idea.
Get me Mindhorn!
Mindhorn!
Do you have a statement to make about this?
'The Isle of Man is still one of the safest and most tranquil tourist destinations.'
Hello!
Mindhorn's here! I've got this, Chief. Stand your men down.
'Is this the camera?
'This man is innocent.
'This tape will be the proof of my words.
'You might want to swing a lens.'
- Richard, what the hell are you doing? - Trust me.
Get one of your boffins to play this. It shows that Melly's innocent.
How do I look?
Like you might need some help.
Too late. I work alone.
I'm coming, Melly, Detective Mindhorn's on the case.
(Melly) Mindhorn!
Shit, Jesus.
Oh, God.
Hiya, Mindhorn.
Mindhorn?
Is this still Operation Apocalypse of Justice?
I know you're innocent.
This man is innocent. Play the tape.
We'll play the tape at the station.
No, I'm not going down the station. Play the tape now.
- Play it now. - He's serious, Patricia.
And so am I. OK, people.
Get ready to witness some truth bombs.
'Ho,ho,ho! You know how to do it, don't you?'
What?
'I'm gonna shit the truth out, bang!'
- This is the wrong tape. - 'My name is Bruce Mindhorn.'
He swapped the tapes, OK?
Jeff Moncrief, who I will kill, has got the real tape.
It's in the caravan. We have to go to the caravan.
We'll do that when you both come down.
Richard, is Melly armed?
No, no, no, negative.
No, I have got a gun.
This is not a gun, it's not real.
(Melly) It is real. (Richard) It's not real.
- It's a toy. - It's not a toy.
See? Told you.
- Go, man. - Shoot.
- Quick! This way, Mindhorn. - This is not the way to go.
- 'Call Equity!' - (Peter) What's the hoo-ha?
- (Coco) Thorncroft's gone insane. - This is terrible.
- Wait, did he sign that DVD thing? - Yeah.
In which case it's fantastic.
Stop shooting.
I haven't done anything.
- (Squawking) - Stop making that stupid bird noise.
(Policeman) Stop there.
- Stop. - They're heading into the mine.
Stop right there.
They've gone again, Chief.
For now.
DS Baines?
(Baines) Clever boy.
You're coming with me.
All I want to know is, who else has seen this tape?
Oh, no, no, no, no. I can't reveal my sources.
It was Richard Thorncroft. This whole thing was his idea.
- And possibly Pat Deville. - Pat Deville?
He picked it up from her house.
How about 30 grand?
Oh, Jeff.
The last person who tried to blackmail me
is on this tape.
Only I haven't had a torrid affair with you, Jeff.
Let's call it 50 quid. Then everybody's happy, eh?
Oh, great.
This isn't the Bronx, this is the Isle of Man.
(Bleating)
(Squawking)
- You OK, Mindhorn? - Oh, God. I'm going to be sick.
Come on, this way to safety.
- Where are we going? - The nest.
It's lucky you're Special Forces.
- How much further? - It's just here.
- What's this? - You've got to jump.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, let's just jump off a cliff!
Yeah! You first.
No!
(Squawking)
(Splash)
'It now seems certain actor Richard Thorncroft,
'who disappeared two days ago, is dead.
'Thorncroft is the chief suspect
'in the murder of Mindhorn PR guru, Jeffrey Moncrief.
'It is now accepted that Thorncroft could be suffering a severe mental breakdown
'after a long career lull since the hit show ended.'
'Even a short walk can take its toll on the lower legs.
'That's why I use Thrombi-Sox.'
'Jeffrey Moncrief, who I will kill...'
'You can never say it's a good thing when someone is dead,
'but maybe with Richard this has been for the best.'
'I keep expecting him to walk through the door and say,
"'Hey, Pete, old buddy, how are the DVD sales going?"
'Because, of course, Mindhorn is finally released today on DVD.
'Yeah.
'Actually, could you stop filming? I think I'm about to cry.'
(Reporter) 'Time in the recording studio yielded this album from 1990.
'His signature tune, "Can't Handcuff The Wind",
'reached No.1 in several East European countries.'
(I "Can't Handcuff The Wind")
Oh, yeah. Oh, you're gonna love this.
I've made you look exactly how you used to.
Oh, it's perfect.
- I can't move. - I glued you into your clothes.
There's three rolls of masking tape around your neck.
- You glued me into my clothes? - Your hair came off in the sea.
- But it's OK because I stuck it back on. - I can't breathe.
With superglue so it will never come off again.
Good, isn't it?
- (Grunts) - And your eye patch.
- Where are we? - We are in an underground lair, the nest.
And this is where we complete
Operation Apocalypse of Justice.
Right, first we need a penknife
and this recorder belt.
(Recording) 'Recorder belt.'
Fake blood for fooling the baddies.
And... a pretend gun.
I'm your partner and we're working on a case.
And it's a good case, isn't it, Mindhorn?
Yeah, it's a really good case.
Just one small problem is, I'm not Mindhorn.
There is no Mindhorn. Mindhorn isn't real.
It is real.
- Truth powder. - That is merchandise, OK?
Do you know what merchandise is? Cheap rubbish we sell to idiots.
And by the way, that nearly blinded four teenagers in Whitby in 1989.
Mindhorn is a fictional character in a show I did a quarter of a century ago.
- What's a fictional character? - I'm an actor.
I used to be. Now I just advertise orthopedic socks.
I don't even do that now because John Nettle's got the gig!
I don't... I don't understand.
You don't understand? Let me clear things up.
Your parents carked it, you lost your marbles,
you got fixated with me in some weird, creepy way
I don't want to get into,
you think I'm here to rescue you but I am a self-obsessed arsehole.
Does that clear things up?
'Paul Melly, wanted in connection with the murder of Katya Lipinskii,
'is also presumed dead.
'Melly, 32, is believed to have a mental age of nine.'
Who's going to clear my name?
Nobody.
There's no evidence.
We had a tape. The tape's gone. It's over.
Both of them?
- What do you mean, both of them? - I made a copy.
You taught me that. Always make a copy.
Well, Mindhorn did, only you're not Mindhorn.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
lam Mindhorn.
- What? But you said... - You passed the test.
Kestrel, well done.
- Did I? - You made promotion, partner.
From now on you shall be known as the Falcon.
No, I prefer Kestrel.
Kestrel's fine. Where's the tape?
I made a copy of the tape and put it in your car at Mindhorn Heights.
Yes!
I'm going to pack the bag for the finale when we kill the baddies.
Sounds like a plan, partner. I'll give you a signal when I need you.
- What's the signal? - You'll hear it.
- I need to hear it now. - (Whistles)
- No. - (Squawks)
- Better. - Good, OK.
- Here, make sure you wear it. - What is that?
- It's a recorder belt. - Recorder belt, OK.
- Strapping that on now. - And this.
Roger that. Weird plastic radio. Got it.
- Er, does this work? - No.
- It does work, actually, FYI. - Oh, right.
Who are you calling?
The only person we can trust.
- Baines. - Richard, wow!
- Don't ask. - You're alive.
- Where's Melly? - In a cave.
He hid a copy of the tape at Pat's.
Whereabouts?
In the garage, in the glove compartment of the Mindhorn car.
- What have you got the gun for? - You know too much, Richard.
I don't know anything. I'm actually quite confused.
- You know that I killed Moncrief, right? - I did not know that.
- Well, you do now. - Not a problem. I can blank it out.
I have that capacity. I've blanked out huge chapters of my life.
- This is just one more thing. - Sorry, Richard.
Final curtain.
(Squawks)
Truth powder.
- Quick, the gun. - What is that?
Come on!
(Baines) Jesus Christ! (Richard) She's left the keys in the bike.
' (Splash) ' Yes!
Why did you do that?
We could have used the bike to get away, you stupid berk!
(Coughing and spluttering)
(Phone vibrates)
- Hello. - 'Hi, Pat, it's DS Baines here.'
I just thought I should tell you that Richard is alive.
- He's alive? - 'Alive, yeah, yeah. Great news.'
Um, mixed bag, though. He is delusional.
Oh, God, he's seriously ill, isn't he?
'He is, he is. He's on his way to you now.
'He thinks he's in an old episode of Mindhorn
'and I need you to keep him there
'and I will come to you, OK, so just wait there.'
Where's the car?
Oh, where is it?
Where's the bloody car?
It should be here.
(Yells)
Richard?
Are you OK?
No.
I'm having a really bad day. Where's my car?
Why don't you just come and sit down?
I can't sit down. I'm glued in.
Just calm down and...
Baines is trying to kill me.
She's corrupt. There's a bald man.
He's... he's got cats on his shoes. I've seen them.
Not real cats, false cats, tiny false cats on his shoes.
Richard, none of this is real.
It's all real, it's come real.
Where's my car? Where's it gone?
The car? Clive is bringing the car. It will be here in a few minutes.
Now, just calm down and talk to me.
- They're coming. I can't wait. - Let's talk about us.
There is no us.
I blew it. I walked out. The only thing that ever meant anything.
You.
Since I left you, my life has been... really quite bad.
Richard, it's all right. It's all right.
Leaving you was the biggest mistake of my life.
(Squawking)
What is that?
The Kestrel.
- Sorry, I'm so sorry. - (Clive revs the strimmer)
(Clive chuckles)
So he's not dead, he just fell asleep on the sunbed.
Put down the gardening equipment.
Get out of my house before I trim that stupid fucking wig off.
Where's my car?
Don't tell him, Clive.
- Pete took it for the parade. - What's going on?
Stay away. His brain's come loose.
Whatever happens next,
I want you to remember two things.
One, I'm innocent.
And two,
Daddy loves you.
Oh, shit. Oh, no. Oh, dear.
These are nothing to do with me. Dirty, dirty Richard.
- You're pathetic. - These aren't mine.
What are all these?
They're from my pen pal in France.
These are all from Richard.
I was trying to protect you, Pat.
The man is poison.
I'm going to work.
(Richard) There she blows. (Melly) And a load of fake Mindhorns.
I really do think this could be the best Manx Day we've ever had.
- Sorry I'm late. - Better late than never.
I'll be making my speech slightly later than scheduled.
Um, I provided copies for you all.
They're on the table in the entrance hall.
Thanks, everyone. Go and join the madness.
All right?
OK, thanks.
Pat, could I have a word?
Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat...
You know, don't you?
I'm in a bit of a pickle, aren't I?
I mean, you're a journalist, you're not going to keep it to yourself,
something this big.
How can I let you leave this room?
I absolutely cannot have people finding out that I am bald.
I think bald men are sexy.
I think you're right.
- (Phone vibrates) - Oh, I'll have to take this.
(Baines) 'The tape's in the parade. I'm going after them.'
She knows.
Welcome, one and all, to the Manx Day parade.
We're going to have some great fun.
- (Goat bleats) - Thank you.
I wonder who's going to win today's Float of the Year competition.
Could it be the really big spider,
or the two massive paper-méché heads?
Or perhaps the crazy caterpillar, runner-up last year?
Fingers crossed for no more trapped ankles.
And there's Trevor in his intergalactic mobility scooter.
The Windjammer float there, always good fun.
It's the most successful TV programme ever made on the Isle of Man.
Oh, and look, it's the villain,
but Windjammer disarms him and saves the day.
Super stuff.
And, new this year, the Mindhorn contingent.
Remember Mindhorn, folks?
Mindhorn, of course, originally played by, um...
Oh, and who's this? Another Mindhorn.
And a crazy person, a sort of chicken man.
I don't remember the episode, "Mindhorn and the Chicken Man".
What's Mindhorn doing now?
No doubt finding some crucial piece of evidence to uncover the truth.
And here comes the baddie. Oh, no!
Wonderful lookalike.
Doesn't she look like Manx TV's very own Pat Deville?
(Revs engine)
- Go, go, go! - I can't make it go.
I knew you hadn't passed your test, you naughty liar.
You can take my woman, but you can't take my fucking car.
- It won't go. - The hand brake’s on.
Where's the handbrake?
- There! - Like a Formula 1 champion!
- Oh, shit! - (Crowd gasps)
Fantastic! Full marks to the stuntman.
- I wasn't ready. - I can't actually drive.
- Get out! - I never learned.
(Pat) Oh, shut up! (Richard) Never had to.
I was driven everywhere so I didn't have to bother.
Hi, yep, hello.
(MC) And here's the baddie retrieving her gun.
- (Pat) Get in the car! - What?
' Oh! . (MC) Classic'
(Tyres screech)
(MC) And now for the nail-biting finale...
Oh, bad luck, baddie.
And that's Mindhorn, winner of the day in my view.
Great stuff!
We're flying to the truth!
(Squawking)
(Richard) What are we doing? It's a dead-end. Where are we?
- This is your cove, Mindhorn. - What?
- (Pat) Where do we go from here? - Well, the tunnels!
- Melly. - Melly, come on.
(Pat) What's wrong?
That was. .. That was great, wasn't it?
You've been shot.
- You're bleeding. - No, no, no. Don't worry.
It's fake blood.
- Oh, no, that's there. - We have to get you some help.
- I'm dying, Mindhorn. - No, no, you're not.
- This is the end. - No.
- Go on without me. Leave me here. - I'm not leaving you.
Because I'm a good partner?
You're the best damn partner a man could ask for, Kestrel.
Your parents would be proud of you.
I'm proud of you.
Thanks, Mindhorn.
It's been an honour to be your partner.
Well, it's the best 15 minutes of my life.
Here's a copy of the tape. Now, go.
Promise me you'll clear my name, Mindhorn.
- I promise. - And promise me...
you two will finally get it together.
- Mm-hm. - I'm sorry, I can't promise you that.
I mean...yes.
Give him a kiss, Angela.
One last thing, Mindhorn.
Tell me the truth about Richard Thorncroft.
Who is he?
Let's just say, he's someone I used to know.
Right, that's...
You poor deluded fool.
I am Richard Thorncroft.
At least he didn't die in vain.
What the hell is this?
Yep, it's Plasticine.
Yep, it's a Plasticine copy.
Ha-ha! It's Plasticine!
(Laughs hysterically)
(Screams)
- Pat! - Quick.
(Doll) 'It's time for the apocalypse of justice.'
(Stones dislodging)
Baines, don't shoot.
We've got the tape. Richard has it. It's safe. I'll take you to him.
Maybe we can strike a deal. I don't want to see the mayor go down any more...
Jesus, Pat! ls that the best you can do?
- I thought you were a good actress. - She's good enough.
Lose the piece.
Turn around, slowly.
Hands in the air.
Now who's holding all the aces?
- Aargh! - Me, I think.
- Richard, you bloody idiot! - I didn't know she was going to do that.
No! Patricia!
Patricia, Patricia.
Richard.
- I'm so sorry. - No, I'm sorry.
- I never knew you wrote me those letters. - Shh, that doesn't matter now.
- Clive hid them from me. - What a wanker.
I'm sorry that I never believed you.
And I'm sorry.
I love you, Richard.
Fucking hell. Where's the tape, Richard?
There is no tape.
It's fake, like everything else in my life!
Without her, I may as well be dead.
That was just a figure of speech.
Why'?
The Mayor's my uncle, so I've got to clean up his mess.
Family's family.
- My family runs Man. - Call an ambulance.
It's not too late. I can forget.
- What, that I killed Moncrief? - Yeah, that.
I can pretend I don't know that.
- I can pretend! - You're not that good an actor.
Baines, are you all right?
He shot Pat.
He killed her and then he tried to kill me and l...
I had to take him down. I had to take him down!
- Baines. - Chief.
There was nothing I could do, it was, er...
There was nothing I could do.
Nice working with you again.
What's going on, Thorncroft?
'The Mayor's my uncle, so I've got to clean up his mess.'
'I can forget.'
'What, that I killed Moncrief? You're not that good an actor.'
Aren't I?
(Jasmine) Mum!
(Pat) Jasmine! (Clive) Not cool.
- Both sets of keys, give them to me. - Think about what you're doing, Baines.
Keys now or I'll blow her away.
Get your filthy hands off my daughter!
She's not your daughter, she's Windjammer's daughter.
- (Pat) Clive, do something. - I'm not wearing appropriate footwear.
Stand down, Clive. It's time I did my own stunts.
It's Ginga time.
This is the Ginga.
I'm moving between the air.
I'm here.
I'm the bringer of the Ginga.
And that's Capoeira.
Jas.
Ah, the Mayor was her uncle.
Seems I was right about the limited gene pool.
I'm sorry that I rode you so hard back then.
I hope we can put our differences behind us.
I will if you will, and if it helps at all,
I was pretty wasted, I don't even remember that night with your wife.
- What night with my wife? - That's the spirit.
My God, Richard. That was so brave. It's a miracle you weren't shot.
Ah, no more lies. I have to be honest.
The truth is, I knew there were blanks in that gun.
No, no, this was Baines' gun. That was live ammunition.
(Thud)
Richard?
I've got you.
You got me all right.
And that is the truth.
(I "Can't Handcuff The Wind")
I We had some fun together
I But I never
I I never promised you forever
I No, no, no
I You can't handcuff the wind
I And if you try, you're gonna fail
I It's like trying to put thunder in jail
I You can't handcuff the wind
I And if you try, you're gonna fail
I It's like trying to put thunder in jail
I You can't handcuff the wind
I I feel the pull of the open road
I I'm heading out into the night
I You got to loosen up your grip, girl
I You're holding on a little too tight
I We rolled the dice, we played the game
I Now every card's been turned
I Girl, if you're trying to hold onto fire
- I You're gonna get burnt - I You can't handcuff the wind
I And if you try, you're gonna fail
I It's like trying to put thunder in jail
I You can't handcuff the wind
I And if you're trying to fence me in
I I'll break down those fences and run like a stallion in the night
I I'm gonna burn so bright like a white-hot flame
I Till everybody knows my name
I The open road, she calls my name
I This itching in my feet
I I got an engine that you can't tame
I Even with your mouth so sweet
I A thousand kisses and sad goodbyes
I But it's too late for any more
I The ferry to the mainland leaves at six
- I I got to be there 20 minutes before - I You can't handcuff the wind
I And if you try, you're gonna fail
I It's like trying to put thunder in jail
I You can't handcuff the wind... I